Unfinished writing

I met a guy once, too good to be true like most
But every now and then I think of what he meant
It's not about the terrible things that happened or the sadness that I had met

That day we saw each other at Best Buy we didn't even know
What five years would turn into and how many times I'd have to let go

That smile that could kill and those eyes that draw you in.
That boys dangerous and he knows
I just couldn't resist
It became the sound of his voice and the way he said my name

When I was down he picked me up
Late night drives and long night talks
Video games to distract me from the hell I was living

I had a party and nobody came
He stayed all night just to keep me sane
He flashed that smile and handed me a beer

When he was down I picked him up
The weirdest noises to see that smile
I remember his jaw tensed when he was angry
I'd hug him just the same and watch it all fade away.

One day I came home from work
He was hanging with my dad.
He hugged me and told me he had to go
And I watched a tear fall from those eyes
I knew he had other plans he thought I wasn't aware of
But because he was there when no one else was I held him close and said "I'll see you again"

We've been through hell but he's still my friend
I can't help but remember the day he first flashed that smile my way.
The I love yous have passed and it's clear we're just friends.
But it's as simple as that he'll always be there as will I.

becoming myself

It has come to my attention that in the past I haven't been comfortable at all in my own skin. I've been lacking confidence and definitely have cried for attention. Well I had an epiphany of sorts.

With these pounds shedding off I thought that was the only way I was going to become confident and be happy with me. Well I'm going to continue to lose this weight for my health but not for superficial reasons.

I am beautiful! I am me. Random, awkward, sarcastic, bitch faced me! I'm not changing for anyone but myself. I am going to be more assertive with my opinions and anything that may concern me or my environment.

For the first time in a long time I am laying in my bed happy with myself and more confident than I was when the day began. I am going to stop caring about what others think. I'm going to stop being paranoid about what they're saying. If my name is in your mouth it means you're thinking of me. If you feel the need to defy me or cause any harm to my life then I feel bad for you.

I am a good person. I know right from wrong. I may not be perfect but I am proud of who I have become. I will be the first to admit that I'm not the best at keeping secrets or expressing my opinions about someone when I'm upset. However, I would never intentionally blackmail anyone with anything they may have told me. I tell secrets when I don't know they're supposed to be secrets or when I miss judge how much I can trust another person. 

For those of you that don't know me well I need to stress how amazing my co-workers are. From supporting me through my diet to being very blunt with me about my behavior and actions when I need it, They're the best. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to be surrounded by at least 40 hrs. a week. When I'm having a bad day they either hell me through that panic attack, make me laugh, or force me out of my comfort alone to express myself. Especially my leadership team! Even when I'm being told I'm wrong and things are being spelled out for me, I know its to make me a better person. I can only hope that the all feel the same about me.

So no more mopey, sad, always paranoid about what others think ...cameo....

I am Cameo Yvonne. I am a beautiful strong independent woman who loves music and the everyday challenges life brings me. There nothing I can't overcome!

Health update for those who care.

So a lot of you don't know the struggle with my health I've been having in recent years. I'm going to open up in hopes that I become more comfortable with what's happening.

1st the good news- I don't have diabetes. My cholesterol is only a tiny bit high and my blood pressure has began to level out. I have also lost 16 lbs in the last 2 months. My anxeity is doing much better because I've been saying how I feel.

2nd  The not so good- I've been having lower abdominal pelvic pain for over a year. I have had paps and all sorts of blood work and ultrasounds done. I'm not pregnant and their aren't any visible cysts.
When part of my blood work came back it showed that one of the counts (can't remember which one right now) was 3x what it should be been. that count is what they use to determine swelling in your body and ability to fight infections.  I also have a vitamin D deficiency which is no big deal. I also have low to high grade Squamous cells. This means I have HPV...so apparently the hpv vaccine did not work. These abnormal cells have a high percentage or turning into or already being cervical cancer, given my symptoms.

I internalize this a lot because I don't want anyone to think of me any different and I don't want to distract people from their lives. I will be okay in the long wrong but this is what's on my plate.

Please don't be offended if I haven't said anything to you about this and we're close. It's not something I want to converse about. I'd rather sweep ot under a rug and leave it for now.

I have the best friends, co-workers, and family that are here to help me through. Seriously guys thank you!

Now again I'm not asking for sympathy or anything so please don't treat me an different than normal.

I'm very confident that Gail Kane and Dr.Shamacko will find out what's causing so much pain and help me make a plan to stop it.
<3 love you always
-Cameo

rough draft

The day one of the most inspirational comedians of our generation took his life I decided to start writing my own little segment on depression, anxiety, bi-polar and suicide. I haven't finished it yet but here is the start. My goal is to encompass the emotions of people who are struggling with these things themselves and those who have to live with someone struggling. I want to maybe shed some light on the illnesses to those who may not understand. Here it goes.....

“Ever feel so passionate about something you start researching about it and writing about it? Prepare for horrible grammar because that's about to happen.

Depression, Anxiety, Bi-polar....What are they?

Depression- That feeling you get when someone has passed away or when life comes down on ya a little.  Both of those suck but it can be worse. It’s also classified as an intense feeling of helplessness, feeling hopeless and worthless. Feeling like you’re nothing and the world doesn’t need you.

Anxiety- Some people can’t help but worry about EVERYTHING. Some people have specific fears. Others become self-conscious and freaked out in social situations. Most off this is accompanied by q panic attack. Your heart starts to pound and race you start crying because you don’t understand what’s going on. You can’t catch your breath and tunnel vision kicks in. You might even start sweating.

Bi-polar disorder- It’s genetic so you can’t even make this shit up. You walk into work feeling chipper and friendly. You’re having great conversation with a coworker when without warning you become angry and disgruntled. You have to lock yourself in an office all day just so you don’t snap.

Mental Illness is not a joke. The fore mentioned disorders are taken far too lightly….” This is where it stops so far I’ve only begun to break the surface. I’d love to hear any thoughts thus far! 

more old writing and rambling

Sometimes my mind wanders but I don't want it to

Sometimes I really miss you and I don't want to

You left your mark in my mind

your smell your touch and even your taste

No matter how many times 

I've told you 

I will always love you so much 

I'm going to run away and 

maybe some day you'll think of me 

and remember me at night

Remember holding me tight

and actually sleeping through the night. 

Right now I miss you 

and I'm really getting used to 

forgetting, letting go, jumping of the edge

This is the end 

I'm hanging on by a thread 

just cut me loose and 

you'll never see me again

________________________________________________________________________________

random old poetry and ramblings

I have the overwhelming feeling

that I'm going to die

sometimes my mind takes over

and my feelings aren't dry

I think to much, wish to much 

dream to often

I hate falling, hate hate hurting

but I have this hunch 

someday, somewhere, 

I'll be able to show you what I see 

when I dream, When i prey

involving the things you do, I might break

might fall 

may not make it through

________________________________________________________________________________

You make me crazy

Jealousy I can't control

You do what you want 

You think you know best

You say you only do what you know

Maybe its time for a change 

Just let  go

I promise I'll catch you 

________________________________________________________________________________

I'm not like them 

don't ever compare me to them

I'm scared of the way you make me feel

I'm losing control and afraid to let go

I'm afraid this is going to turn into something that happened before

This is a familiar feeling

I should have listened to her

I fall so fast it hurts

It's okay though

Its not your fault 

I did this to myself

I knew this was going to happen

I knew it right after I told you

I knew my emotions would get the best of me 

I know you're leaving soon

You'll be out of my life for reasons I cant understand

because this was always to good to be true 

I'll never be with you

_________________________________________________________________________________

I'm sitting watching life fly

I cant even begin to explain why

everyone know we're going to die

but no one ever wants to say goodbye

It's just something that were faced with

but we just gotta live -

everyday like its our last

and tops living in the past 

life is like a play-

and we are just the cast

everyone is doomed to their own ending

but its real life no angels are descending

Family

I'm going to get super girly for a minute! I am the luckiest big sister in the world. I have two super respectful- smart- handsome-loving- happy-hyper- pain in the ass little brothers. Not to mention a gorgeous - responsible - happy - loving - smart - sarcastic little sister. I need to take a minute to point out how amazing these kids are.
A.J and C.J are my father's kids and Quinn is my moms. These kids are so....brilliant and grow up that despite the fact that they have different parents they see each other as family and treat each other as such. My sister flat out said that because they're my siblings they are family and family is family blood or not.  I'm so proud that they are just that awesome.

Epiphany

     I've come to the conclusion that it's time to let go of all the petty bs and grudges I may have and start from scratch.  I'm sick of trying to get apologies from people for things they don't care about. So consider it a clean slate for all. I can't grudge anymore. I'm so tired of it. From here on out I forgive everyone for everything but I will not forget what has happened. When you forget history you are doomed to repeat it.
     Also, I'm putting out a blanket apology for anything I may have done to negatively impact you or anyone around you. I'm not perfect and I haven't always  been the best person. So I'm sincerely sorry for my actions and immature words I may have said.
     However, I'm starting with a new attitude.  If you cross me once you can consider yourself dead to me. I'm not going to continue to be walked all over for the rest of my life. I'm sick of forgiving and forgiving to only get stomped on in the end.
      I'm reinventing myself and I don't want any negativity to impact me. I'm applying to school and sitting down with the Dean to hopefully get my debt cleared and continue my prerequisites for my RN. I also want to take a business class. If I'm going to go anywhere in Best Buy I might as well start educating myself in business managment.
     It's time I focus on getting my life back in track while I'm finally emotionally stable for the most part. I'm excited to say that my life is looking up.
     My job is hard and at times I do say I hate it and it stresses me out and I break down but I love the challenge it presents me. I worked on the sales floor for 3 1/2 years and customer service is a huge difference.  I'm beginning to see where I need to focus on changing myself to succeed and Best Buy is doing this for me.
    I love my fellow leadership team because they are there to guide me in the right direction. Even if there's 8 different paths I have to take to get to the best place. My Co - workers are my rocks and I love them to peices. I love my frontend team. I know we can work together to become the best.
     Aside from my career, I'm single. I'm currently enjoying being able to straighten my life out without worrying about someone else's feelings. I'm very fortunate to have made the decision I have to get myself here. Single is not a bad thing. It only sucks when I want someone to hold me at night but I don't NEED that. I've come to realize I don't NEED a guy in my life to be happy. Fuck what the movies say I'm happy being myself and having my limited group of close friends and family. I'll fall in love again someday. Who know maybe I can have my perfect prince charming sweep me of my feet again someday. He does exist, we were pretty serious at one point :p
     So like I said, I'm changing myself because I want to be better. I want to be a better person and I want to enjoy life to the fullest. I'm ready to head for the stars!

News flash

I'm human I have emotions. Yes I have more than some but get the Fuck over yourself. It would be nice if you'd take that onto consideration for once.  Yea I'm sure we both want different things but what the fuck. Honestly I'm just so beyond annoyed. I'm sick of having someone make or break my day! Stop being stupid.

Absentee Parent

    I'm getting sick of the bullshit. All of a sudden you care? Either you want to be in my life or you don't. Stop playing pretend.    
   First your family tries to tell me that I was being kept from you. Which, by the way,  isn't true. I've had phone numbers and addresses since I was about 10. When I was old enough to make my own decision. But when they lied to me and told me you weren't living with them, I decided I didn't need that drama. My close family never talked about you negatively in front of me.
    You tried to use the excuse that I was better off without you. How the Fuck do you know? Maybe I wouldn't have the anxiety that everyone was going to abandon me. Maybe I wouldn't be scared of every man walking out of my life. I fully believe that this is your fault.
    I have one amazing dad don't get me wrong but how awesome would it have been if I had two? How lucky of a child would I have been? Maybe that's a little selfish but it may have changed my life for the better. 
    I have come to the conclusion that you're not worth my time. I continue to stick around because I want a relationship with my sister and my brothers. I want to be able to be there for them. No, I'm not going to tell them negative things about you because that's something you need to tell them. You need to tell them why you kept them out of their sisters life. Because I'm confident in saying, I'm one hell of a sister! 
    So please stop pretending you care so much. I'm done trying to let you in. If you want to be I'm my life you need to prove to me that you aren't going to just fucking disappear.  You live 45 minutes away from me and haven't even offered once to allow me to see my siblings.  Of coarse I can't see you. I'm not ready for that step because honestly I have so much pent up rage I would let out 23 years of aggression. 
    I want my siblings to know I care. I want them to understand I want to be in their lives. I just can't be around you.